It's not over til it's over

Well, as I feared, the baby just isn't developing like it should. I have a D&C scheduled for next Thursday. Sad, but also relieved to finally have closure. And ready to start again, most likely with IVF (80% success rate!!). Fingers crossed the next time I get a positive test result, it will actually be a positive outcome.

Another setback

Saw this yesterday at the doctor:

Which looks great to my untrained eye. The baby looks HUGE! But alas, it only grew from 5w6days to 6w2days in a week, and although I saw the heartbeat again, the doctor doesn't think it's beating as fast as it should. So he said it's most likely a chromosomal abnormality and to expect miscarriage/D&C. Which is basically what my fertility doctor told me three weeks ago. I guess what sucks the most is the not knowing. If I miscarried, at least I could get closure and start to plan my next move. But technically there is still a live baby in there, and I want to make sure I exercise all my options/give it a fighting chance before terminating it. My doctor said it best - I'm in purgatory. And I don't have another appointment for two weeks, so all I can do is wait. Man I wish I could drink right now.

Second opinion

Went to my OBGYN Friday (since the fertility dr is through with me), and saw the heartbeat again! The dr said although it was weird how low my numbers were, if a person off the street came in and thought they might be pregnant, they would take a urine test and do a sonogram. No bloodwork/HCG at all. So not to put too much emphasis on those numbers. I go back again Thursday for another ultrasound, and just hoping the little guy gets bigger and stronger. Would love to know how fast the heart is beating, but I may not be able to find that out until I can hear it. For now, trying to think positive thoughts and looking at this:

Looks just like me, no?

Good News!!

Not only saw the yolk sac and fetal pole, but the HEARTBEAT guys. This baby has a heartbeat. The doctor was so shocked he called the nurse in to look. As thrilled as I am, he still said he thinks with my history there's only a 25% chance this baby will actually happen. I'm choosing to believe otherwise - it surprises/amazes me every week. And now the fertility doc is done with me - technically his part is over - and I go to my OBGYN Friday for a "confirmation of pregnancy." Here's hoping he's a little kinder and more positive.


Grow Butter Bean Grow!

FX for good news

Nervous about today's doctor's appointment. As much as I have accepted that this baby is probably not going to make it, I have the same amount of hope that maybe it will. I mean, there's a chance. Even if it's a small chance...


I know I'm crazy, but I feel like I can already see a change in my stomach. Which is probably just fat. But I keep thinking that it will be like the movie The Santa Clause, and I'll roll out of bed one morning and just be HUGE overnight. Ha.

Cookin

HCG went up to 1382 on Wednesday, so at least we're still going up. I think I overestimated my due date as well, so I'm only 5 weeks, not 6. That makes me feel a little better, numbers-wise. I still constantly feel like I'm about to miscarry (which is not a fun feeling), but trying my hardest to remain calm. The fact that my doctor already thinks I'm a crazy person helps - no way am I calling him with any questions. I'm tired and have to pee a lot, but I'm always tired and have to pee a lot. But the one new fun symptom is how huge my boobs have become. They are sore as hell, but damn. A girl could get used to this. My areolas (ew) are so big I started cracking up in the bathroom when I first noticed. Like WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON. So that's fun...