BFN

BFN stands for Big Fat Negative. At least, according to the fertility blogs I've been perusing. It's like a whole other language:
BFP: Big Fat Positive
RE: Reproductive Endocrinologist (why they don't just say DR is beyond me)
TTC: Trying To Conceive
And many, many more. (who knew??)

I guess it's a BFN for me this month, although can you get a negative if you don't even try? I went in for another sonogram yesterday, and although my lining looks "perfect" (!), the left side had a giant follicle and the right side had three little ones. My doctor said although I could overnight the sperm and he would try over the weekend, he thought it would probably be a waste of money and we'll try on Clomid next month. Kind of bummed, but I so appreciate his honesty and not just taking my money to take my money.

So let's see how February goes. At least all the blood work/dye testing/counseling sessions/puking in my car thanks to the beast meds called Doryx is over. It's been a wild week, that's for sure.

Crazy is as crazy does

Had the mental health screening with the counselor yesterday, and it was rough. She was clearly playing devil's advocate, trying to get me to crack, but emphasized the importance of a male role model for children of single mothers, using this weird example to bring the point home:

"They interviewed pimps (!) and asked how they selected the women to be their prostitutes. The pimps picked women without fathers." Ummm so you're saying that my kid is going to be a hooker because I'm raising him/her alone? Great, thanks for that.

She asked me what my parenting style was. She asked me when I would tell the child about their father/the IUI process. She asked many probing questions (I may have cried a little). But in the end I think I passed. In fact, I even gave her something she may use with future patients (or hell - paint on the wall) when I told her my life philosophy is I'd rather be pleasantly surprised than constantly disappointed. She literally paused and asked if she could write that down. Ha. #schooled

I AM right-handed...

Damn that HSG test was painful. And the thing that scares me the most: it was probably a preview into what childbirth feels like (times 1000) - not sure I'll be able to handle it. I guess that's what the drugs are for...but I'm still spotting and they make you wear a pad, which makes me feel like I'm 13 before I mastered the tampon. Sigh. Plus, the results weren't exactly what I had hoped for: the right tube is fine, but nothing flowed through the left. The doctor wasn't concerned, though - even said he thought it probably wasn't blocked - but still. If I'm doing all of this, I want it to be successful...trying to remain hopeful. After all, if the doctor says it's okay, it's okay, right??

He's making me go see a therapist tomorrow so they can make sure "I'm not crazy and won't kill the baby." (This is a direct quote, btw.) Assuming I pass the crazy test, just hoping my sonogram looks good on Thursday and I'll order the swimmers on Friday for a Monday or Tuesday deposit. Ah, pillow talk. Ha.

I did pick a guy, though - and even my mom approved. He's tall, smart, athletic and has cute baby pictures - what more does a girl need. (Aside from an ACTUAL guy, of course.)

Let's do this, right fallopian tube! #rightisright

Flush

Going in this morning for the HSG test, aka the fallopian tube dye test. This will ensure that my tubes are open for business and ready for a baby. Apparently it makes you fertile, and since I have one more sonogram on Thursday to assess follicles in the hopes of an insemination early next week, fertility is our friend. The doctor told me in 2014 he had a 100% success rate of getting his patients pregnant, so even though this could take a few tries, I am feeling very confident in his abilities.
Wish my tubes luck!

February is for Fertility

So I may be moving up C-Day (conception day) by a month, if all goes well. Which means as soon as I start my period this month, I schedule an appointment with the doctor for bloodwork and a sonogram, and a few mere weeks later, assuming everything looks good (please please please), we give it a go. I have never looked so forward to getting my period as I am this month. Ready to get things started. At loooooong last.

Talked to four friends about my plan over the weekend, and was absolutely blown away by how supportive everyone was. One even said she'd come with me to C-Day. We joked that leading up, we needed to watch things like Baby Mama and the opening sequence of Look Who's Talking, to visualize success and get in the right mental state. Then afterward, watch the episode of Friends where Phoebe gets inseminated and sings to her uterus "Are you in there little fetus? In nine months will you come greet us? I will buy you some Adidas..." And eat pickles and ice cream. So even if it doesn't work, we'll have a fun memory of the First Try.

I am a terrible person

After almost 15 years of friends getting married and having babies, I am ashamed to say it's hard for me to be excited for people anymore. And it's 100% because I'm jealous. "Oh, you're pregnant with baby #3? Good for you." "You're renewing your vows for your 10-year anniversary? How lovely." (Cue eye roll.) I hate this about myself, but it's hard when everyone is attaining the dreams you had for yourself every day, on Facebook. and you wonder if your own dreams will ever actually come true. My lowest point came on Christmas, when my brother announced that he and his wife are expecting. They have been trying for two years, and it's a really big deal - and I burst into tears. And they weren't tears of joy. After standing in the snow for an hour, I finally pulled myself together enough to apologize and realized I am really excited about being an aunt for the first time. Man I'm going to spoil that kid. But deep in the pit of my stomach, the jealousy was still there, lurking. I liken it to the scene on Friends where Rachel and Phoebe are talking about Monica and Chandler getting married. They quickly go from being 98% happy and 2% jealous to 90-10. #beenthere

More carting before horsing

My next big stress - aside from actually getting pregnant - is having to get a new car. I don't think an infant car seat will fit in the back of my Mustang - and even if it does, what an effing nightmare, amiright?? But again, being a tad premature here. Maybe I can reevaluate over the summer or something. This kid doesn't even exist and is already breaking the bank. #soundsaboutright

Spoke too soon

Well, I know I said yesterday that everyone is cute in their baby pictures, but I paid to see one of my finalists' pictures, and he was NOT cute. And that's how you narrow it done, guys. Superficial but necessary. One down, nine to go.

Mapping out the adventure.

For over 10 years, I've been saying that 38 was my "cut-off" age, when I would clearly not be getting married and would just have a baby on my own. Well, I might be psychic, because I'm 38, and clearly not getting married. So it's time to try for a baby. Obviously this is not the ideal situation - who wants to raise a baby alone - but it's something I've always wanted, and time is slipping away. Plus, even though I'll be a single mom, I won't be alone. My family and friends are very supportive, and this kid will have so much love around, it won't even notice the missing parent. (Until Father's Day rolls around.)

Now, I'm definitely putting the cart before the horse here, because I have not yet gone through the process and there's only a slim chance it will work, but I wanted to start blogging about my experiences just in case. I am hoping to do IUI in early March, and who knows how many attempts I'll need before it works. But my doctor made me feel very positive and optimistic about the entire process, and even made me feel a little "normal," saying I was the 40th or 50th single woman he had helped last year alone. And they're all lawyers and doctors and brokers (oh my!). #yougogirls

I did have the first of what will be numerous uncomfortable conversations when making the doctor's appointment, though - the nurse asked if my husband would be joining me for the visit. Ummmm, no. No he won't. And speaking of dads, I still haven't picked a donor - it's a very weird process and more difficult than one would think. Also, it could not be less romantic. I pick the height, eye color, hair color, race, even education level, and for a few extra dollars can see baby pictures. Which in and of itself is tough - everyone is a cute baby. What we need is what they look like NOW. But that's not an option. You do get access to medical history, age (most are sadly in their early 20s), genetic testing, GPA and, most importantly, what celebrity the guys look most like. #teambradleycooper

I've narrowed it down to my top 10, but having trouble choosing after that point. But who cares, really. It would be fine with any of these dudes, all of whom have already had a successful pregnancy (so we know their boys can swim) and are open to being contacted by the child in the future, just in case. Just trying to figure out what hair/eye combo goes best with mine, but let's be honest - I'm totally having a redheaded kid. Better get on board.

Taking prenatal vitamins and have two doctor's visits before the Big One, and just trying not to get my hopes up too high. But I'm thrilled to at least be taking charge of my life and my future, and being proactive. Better than going on one more Tinder date with a d-bag and hoping he calls. #dunzo