Symptom spotting or lack thereof

This wait is killing me. I'm assuming the worst and simultaneously excited about/dreading the ultrasound next Thursday.

I've had crampy aches in my uterus since practically day one, which I know could be a good thing (stretching and growing and all that - hello, the donor is 6'6"!!! Make room for that shit!), but I'm paranoid that my period is about to start.

My boobs are getting fuller and sore, and my areolas are getting larger as well (TMI, I know). I haven't gotten sick, but I almost passed out on Friday and every morning have a wave of nausea come over me. Having very vivid dreams that I remember in the morning, which is rare for me, and I napped every day over the holiday break. So very tired. And now I'm having some sort of night sweats. So basically I'm a giant hormonal nightmare, and just hoping it's for a good reason...

Black and blue. And a little green.

This is my arm, almost a week after getting my blood drawn last Wednesday:

(I promise it looks worse in person.)

And I will save you from showing photos of the bruises on my ass from the daily progesterone shots. (Which I am now able to give to myself, making my mom very happy.) You're welcome.

#thestruggleisreal #itwillallbeworthit

A bit of good news

Got my bloodwork back today - 7557! It needed to be around 4000, so this is a good surprise. And I am very surprised. Have my first OB sonogram on January 5, and I should be around 8 weeks at that point so hopefully I can hear the heartbeat and feel a little better about where we're at. Keep growing, little guy!! xo

Back in limbo. I hate limbo.

HCG went from 293 to 546. So 40 points away from doubling. Again, the dr isn't concerned (but I am), and I have to go back next Wednesday for another test. I am just confused and worried - I thought this happened before because it wasn't a good embryo - chromosomal abnormality and all that. But this time I did the genetic testing to ensure it WAS a good embryo - so I don't understand why this is still happening. I can get pregnant, I just can't stay pregnant. Not sure which is worse.
So we'll see how much it goes up in a week. After that is the sonogram, so I guess that will be the ultimate bearer of good or bad news. Ugh.

Spoke too soon

Once again, my HCG numbers are not doing what they are supposed to do. Rose from 159 to 293. So almost doubled, but not quite. They are supposed to double every 48 hours. I can't believe this is happening again - this time with a good embryo! I thought a bad embryo was the culprit last time; turns out maybe it's me. Sigh.

We have a winner!

The results are in: Pregnant! I took a home pregnancy test every day last week and Monday and Tuesday they were negative. My boobs weren't sore (they were last time) and I was pretty bummed, convinced it didn't work. But then Wednesday through Friday I was starting to see a second line on the test, and thought maybe...just maybe...

Sure enough, got the bloodwork results back on Friday and my HCG was 160 (they look for anything over 50, so they were pleased with the result). Awaiting my results from today's test - hoping beyond all hope that my levels at least doubled since this is where I ran into trouble last time. But my initial result last time was 58, so I feel like I'm already on better footing. Think I just had a bad embryo last time. And apparently at my age, that's increasingly common.

In summary, I'm not infertile. Just single. (And old.)

Fingers crossed for continued good news...

PUPO

That's "Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise." Yep, the little guy is transferred, and I am so nervous and can't believe I have to wait until next Friday to take a blood test. I didn't work out today, even though my doctor said I could, and I'm eating pineapple like it's going out of style (supposed to help things "stick."). I'm so jealous of "normal" people who just get pregnant and it's smooth sailing. This whole year has been a series of ups and downs. You get excited about having lots of eggs. But then only a few get fertilized. You're thrilled to have three embryos. But only one is good. You get a positive pregnancy test. But then your HCG levels aren't great. Why can't it just be good news?!?!

D-Day. Or should I say E-Day.

Today is the day - the embryo transfer! I go in at 11:15 to start pounding water (apparently they need my bladder to be full - fun times), and the procedure is at noon. I'm excited, but I'm also in severe pain from the progesterone shots. My mom was kind enough to do them for me (they are in the upper buttocks region, so I can't really reach), in Europe of all places, but for the love of god. My ass/lower back hurts so bad to the touch, I can barely sleep. Or move. The 10-hour flight yesterday was tons of fun, let me tell you. And I know my mother is absolutely traumatized. Especially after one shot where I forgot to change the needle size from the giant one that extracts the medicine to the slightly less giant one meant for injections. So she gives me the shot and I nearly passed out from the pain. Turns out, the big needle hurts like a mother. Speaking of mothers, if I get to become one after all of this, it will all be worth it. Severe bruising and all.

Dudes.

Found out the sex of the embryo - it's a BOY! I was semi-convinced it would be a girl, so still trying to get my head around this, but of course I still have to get pregnant and stay pregnant. Everything is looking good - start my progesterone shots on Thursday and have the embryo transfer on 11/30. Come on little guy...

ONE singular sensation

I have one good embryo for transfer. One. After all this, I really hoped I would have at least two - but I'm starting to realize that my age is really a big factor here. 39-year-olds don't freeze their eggs - 30-year-olds do. And for good reason - you only have so many good eggs left. I'm really glad I paid to get the PGS testing, though - guessing that's why I miscarried a few months ago. Just wasn't a good embryo. But now the bad ones have been weeded out and after a few weeks of preparing my body, on 11/30 (or thereabouts) I will do my embryo transfer. And can take a pregnancy test on 12/9. At least the dreaded two week wait is shorter. Fingers and toes crossed people!

Hoping to get this done in 2016...

Man this takes a lot longer than I thought. Still waiting to hear back from the genetic testing, and in the meantime going to the dr today for a check-in since I started my period Monday. If I do in fact have a good embryo (please please please), I'll start progesterone on 11/23 (while in Europe - good times), and the embryo transfer would tentatively be 11/30 (the day after I get back). Come on little guys. BE HEALTHY!!

INfamous

Well, the fourth embryo didn't look good, but the remaining three should arrive in Michigan today! I am now referring to them as the Three Amigos.

Lucky Day, Dusty Bottoms and Ned Nederlander. Although maybe I'll rename him Ringo. It's starting to stick.

Let's ride!

Odds be damned

So the paperwork my dr's office gave me said 10-20% of embryos make it to the blastocyst stage (where they are frozen and ready for biopsy). But mine are defying those odds - three are ready and they are giving the 4th one more day to ripen! I will find out today if it made it, but I'm very happy with three out of four. Now they head to Michigan for genetic testing (what an adventure they have already been on - this baby will be a world traveler!), and I find out the results in 2-14 days. Hoping it's more like 7 days - would like to get this thing done this year for the love of god.

But surely one of the three will be good, and that's all it takes! ONE!

FAB FOUR

Out of the 12 eggs, only 4 were mature. I'm pretty surprised by how low that number is, but the good news (for now): all four fertilized and at the 3-day check yesterday, all were doing well. I get the next update Wednesday, where they'll tell me how many will get to be genetically tested. I doubt all four will make the cut, but I'm hoping...

Especially because I've named them already.

Flopsy
Mopsy
Cottontail
Ringo (you thought I was going to say Peter, didn't you??)

Go embryos go!!

I'll take a dozen eggs, please

Well, made it through the egg retrieval and they got 12 eggs. I was of course hoping for more, but I think at my advanced age that's an okay number. And now we wait...

All my eggs in one basket

We're a go for the egg retrieval on Thursday. Of course, the nurse again asked if my HUSBAND would be accompanying me...can you not write SINGLE on my file or something?? Saw the dr today at the ultrasound, and she said everything looks great, including my 20 follicles. Here's hoping for 10+ eggs...

This is becoming the Ziegfeld Folli(cl)es

Well, have ANOTHER dr's appt in the morning and have to give myself the shots for ANOTHER day. Hoping to trigger tomorrow night with an egg retrieval on Thursday. Good lord. #dontmesswithahormonalwoman #nastywoman #samething

Human Gumball Machine

Still full of follicles - 11 on the right and 9 on the left (however, these numbers include the tiny ones, but I'm still hoping for like 12-15 eggs). I went back Saturday for bloodwork and another ultrasound, and was told to continue as I had been. Another check-in today, and I'm hoping I can trigger tonight and go in Wednesday for the egg retrieval. (Only have enough meds through Tuesday, so this better be wrapping up soon regardless!) I added the Ganirelix shot Friday night, so we are now at three shots a day, people. Diabetes would not be a problem at this point. So used to giving myself shots. I don't think I've acted too insanely hormonal, but you might want to ask my family or co-workers...

1...2...3 follicles! Ah ha ha I LOVE to count them!

Had my first ultrasound since starting the stimulation meds, and everything is looking good (aside from a few tiny pesky fibroids). Three lines showing up in my lining, meaning it's nice and thick, and I have 7-8 follicles on the right and 9 on the left. For some reason I want them to harvest 17, so these numbers are nearly perfect. I will find out later on today if my estrogen levels doubled, and when I start the third drug Ganirelix (because two shots a day just isn't enough!). The dr did warn that two days after the egg retrieval I would be UBER bloated, so that's always something to look forward to. At least it's no longer swimsuit season...

What's your number?

So my estrogen level was 145 yesterday. This means nothing to me - not even sure what it's SUPPOSED to be, but I guess it's okay because the dr didn't adjust my meds at all. I go back tomorrow for an ultrasound and more bloodwork, and my number is supposed to double. This brings back bad flashbacks from when the HCG levels were supposed to double, but here's hoping this time will go better and we can bump up the drugs if need be! #goodtimes

Shots fired.

Day four of the stimulation shots, and feeling good! Had bloodwork done this morning, so hopefully that all looks AOK as well. I've more or less mastered the menopur shot (Gonal-F is way easier), and I think I have to add Ganirelex on Thursday, although I will know more after Thursday's dr's appt. Actually felt a little ovary aching yesterday, which I'm hoping is a sign that the stimulation drugs are...stimulating. #fingerscrossed

Here we go!

Got the green light at this morning's appointment, so IVF is happening people. I start the shots on Saturday, so I have until then to remember how to do it. The nurse told me today that I have "beautiful ovaries." I literally responded "thanks - we've been working out." What do you say to that comment? Like I have any control over what my ovaries look like?? Whatever - I'll take it. Let's DO this!

Breaking Bad Baby

So the IVF drugs arrived on Saturday. $5500 worth of drugs. It looks like a damn meth lab:

(And this isn't even all - another four boxes are in the fridge!)

Dr's appt tomorrow - really hoping I get to move forward this month. And if I don't, REALLY hoping these drugs don't expire.

Day one of IVF and I'm already broke.

I went to the dr yesterday to get bloodwork done, got my IVF calendar and learned how to use/mix/dispense all 800 of the drugs I will be injecting into my body. (Kidding - there are only 4. But it is fairly overwhelming.) Also learned that at next week's appointment I will owe nearly $11K. And then I went back to work and paid for said drugs - $6500. I thought this was going to cost around $14K and saved $16K "just in case." And I'm already $1K in the hole. And we're not done yet. How in the HELL do people do multiple rounds of this without selling a kidney or taking out a mortgage on their home? Jesus. It's fairly disheartening. Plus the fact that I think I started my period, and will most likely have to postpone until December. Should know more next week. Trying to stay positive but it is HARD.

Gotta run by the bank

In case you were wondering what a sperm bank looks like (or at least a sperm bank WEBSITE)...

Bizarre, no? If you pay extra you can see their baby picture, but no adult photos. And you can hear their voice, read their medical history (and family medical history), plus an essay they had to write. Kind of like online dating, but much much much more important. No pressure.

It's October. It's IVF Month!

Had a hysteroscopy on 9/23 and my new dr removed a few fibroids and some leftover tissue from the miscarriage. I'm still bleeding a little, but hopefully that won't delay IVF. I go back to the dr on Wednesday and get the calendar, but she estimates the embryo transfer would take place October 25 or 26. Can't believe it's that fast. I'm on birth control to regulate my cycle, and I'm trying to remain optimistic. I told myself I wouldn't read the blogs this time, but I cracked last week and it was awful. No good news. Not what I need going in to this. So I'm just going to surround myself with positive thoughts (what if it all goes RIGHT?!) and hope for the best. At least it seems like I picked a good doctor - she's on the cover of D Magazine!

And we're back.

Took a little time after the miscarriage, and I'm ready to go again. IVF this time. I've secured the sperm - going with a new (giant) dude who is 6'6 - and found a doctor I like. I actually met her and her fellow doctor husband at the gym - they both went to Duke, so we had a nice little rivalry happening. I finally tested the HCG out of my system last week (lord that took forever!) and started my period a month earlier than I was expecting to. Never been so thrilled to start a period in my life - I'm just so ready to move on. I feel like every day that passes, someone else is getting pregnant, not me. So I go back to see Dr Lee today for an ultrasound and hysteroscopy (where they put a camera in and check everything out). Hoping if all goes well I can start the injections next month. I'm going to get the genetic testing done, which is costly but the total is still around $15K for everything, which is what I budgeted for. But as excited as I am, I'm also very nervous and trying to be realistic - the odds are like 50% for success (closer to 80% with the testing though). Two of my Bravo shows are going through IVF right now, ironically (or not) with the same doctor in Orange County. Megan on Real Housewives of Orange County had most of the process filmed, and it was very informative but also devastating - out of 17 harvested eggs, 10 fertilized, 8 were able to be biopsied (genetic testing) and only 4 were deemed good enough to implant. She picked two and is pregnant with one baby.
I would be happy to have two good embryos after all is said and done. But my fear is what if I have NONE. Might chat with the doc about this today...

Boo.

There's nothing worse than having a miscarriage at work. Just saying.

It's not over til it's over

Well, as I feared, the baby just isn't developing like it should. I have a D&C scheduled for next Thursday. Sad, but also relieved to finally have closure. And ready to start again, most likely with IVF (80% success rate!!). Fingers crossed the next time I get a positive test result, it will actually be a positive outcome.

Another setback

Saw this yesterday at the doctor:

Which looks great to my untrained eye. The baby looks HUGE! But alas, it only grew from 5w6days to 6w2days in a week, and although I saw the heartbeat again, the doctor doesn't think it's beating as fast as it should. So he said it's most likely a chromosomal abnormality and to expect miscarriage/D&C. Which is basically what my fertility doctor told me three weeks ago. I guess what sucks the most is the not knowing. If I miscarried, at least I could get closure and start to plan my next move. But technically there is still a live baby in there, and I want to make sure I exercise all my options/give it a fighting chance before terminating it. My doctor said it best - I'm in purgatory. And I don't have another appointment for two weeks, so all I can do is wait. Man I wish I could drink right now.

Second opinion

Went to my OBGYN Friday (since the fertility dr is through with me), and saw the heartbeat again! The dr said although it was weird how low my numbers were, if a person off the street came in and thought they might be pregnant, they would take a urine test and do a sonogram. No bloodwork/HCG at all. So not to put too much emphasis on those numbers. I go back again Thursday for another ultrasound, and just hoping the little guy gets bigger and stronger. Would love to know how fast the heart is beating, but I may not be able to find that out until I can hear it. For now, trying to think positive thoughts and looking at this:

Looks just like me, no?

Good News!!

Not only saw the yolk sac and fetal pole, but the HEARTBEAT guys. This baby has a heartbeat. The doctor was so shocked he called the nurse in to look. As thrilled as I am, he still said he thinks with my history there's only a 25% chance this baby will actually happen. I'm choosing to believe otherwise - it surprises/amazes me every week. And now the fertility doc is done with me - technically his part is over - and I go to my OBGYN Friday for a "confirmation of pregnancy." Here's hoping he's a little kinder and more positive.


Grow Butter Bean Grow!

FX for good news

Nervous about today's doctor's appointment. As much as I have accepted that this baby is probably not going to make it, I have the same amount of hope that maybe it will. I mean, there's a chance. Even if it's a small chance...


I know I'm crazy, but I feel like I can already see a change in my stomach. Which is probably just fat. But I keep thinking that it will be like the movie The Santa Clause, and I'll roll out of bed one morning and just be HUGE overnight. Ha.

Cookin

HCG went up to 1382 on Wednesday, so at least we're still going up. I think I overestimated my due date as well, so I'm only 5 weeks, not 6. That makes me feel a little better, numbers-wise. I still constantly feel like I'm about to miscarry (which is not a fun feeling), but trying my hardest to remain calm. The fact that my doctor already thinks I'm a crazy person helps - no way am I calling him with any questions. I'm tired and have to pee a lot, but I'm always tired and have to pee a lot. But the one new fun symptom is how huge my boobs have become. They are sore as hell, but damn. A girl could get used to this. My areolas (ew) are so big I started cracking up in the bathroom when I first noticed. Like WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON. So that's fun...

Slow-cooker? Or just raw?

Still pregnant. And still not up to the levels I'm supposed to be. HCG was 290 and yesterday 738. So all weekend I prepared for the worst - miscarriage or ectopic, but hoping for the former. (Well, not "hoping" for either, but you know what I mean.) Went in today for an ultrasound, and to my surprise the doctor saw the gestational sac. Now, he didn't see the yolk sac or the fetal pole (whatever the hell that is), but at least it's not ectopic. And I'm stunned that he was able to see ANYTHING with my low levels. So almost 6 weeks, have more bloodwork tomorrow and another dr's appt next Wednesday. Cook, butter bean! Cook!

Confusion 101

Well, I AM pregnant. I just don't know how LONG I'll be pregnant. My first HCG was 58, which is about average. My second was 131, which is a little low (should have been 180-220). Have a third one Thursday, plus a scan with the doctor to see if the butter bean is progressing. If not, I did get the loan for IVF, so at least I have a back-up plan. Ha - just like the J.Lo movie The Back-up Plan!

Curses

Perhaps I celebrated too soon. Started having pretty heavy discharge yesterday (sorry tmi) and it is still happening today. Talked to my doctor, and unfortunately there's nothing I can do but wait. I had bloodwork done yesterday but still don't know the results, and I will go back Monday for another round (barring any tragic incident over the weekend like the start of my damn period). But this sucks. I don't know if it was a chemical pregnancy or a miscarriage or if it's something okay like implantation bleeding. And Googling it on the internet only tells you so much. Wish I could drink wine...

Leroy FTW

Well, this happened yesterday:

And this happened today:

Can't get too excited, as I still need to get the blood test to confirm, and like 1000 bad things could still happen, but yay. YAY!

Swim like Ryan Lochte, little guys. (And look like him too)

Had IUIs Thursday and Friday, and the timing was pretty perfect. I had all the follicles Thursday, but at the ultrasound Friday, all but one on the left had released just moments before. Still doesn't mean this will work, but my doctor said it was the best we could have hoped for. The only problem: he didn't save any sperm to look at under the microscope, so I have no idea if it was a good sample or not, but come on. All it really takes is one. Not sure why people brag about 85 million of the little guys. I'd be happy with 10. Of course, after watching this video on the struggle of a sperm's journey, I probably would be happier with 300 million. But what can you do. I didn't work out Friday or Saturday, which was tough, and had really bad cramps Friday and Saturday nights. Not feeling particularly confident this time - why would it work on the 5th when it didn't work on 1-4, but all I can do is wait.


I also asked my doctor about IVF - looks like it's about $15K, but the "amazing" embryologist he works with is super religious and won't perform an IVF on single women or same-sex couples. I find this to be quite ludicrous - who are YOU to deny me medical treatment because I happen to not have a husband?? So not sure what that will mean, but I won't have that kind of money for another year anyway, so not going to worry about it. Yet.

Number 5 is Alive

Ultrasound looked good yesterday - almost too good. I have like 4 follicles on the right (the good side), measuring 21, 20, 19 and 14, and 3-4 on the left which are around 15. My poor doctor kept saying, "I don't feel comfortable with this..." He is convinced I'm going to get pregnant with five babies. (Sidebar: There ain't NO WAY I'm having five babies.) But he is just going to close his eyes and look the other way (hopefully not literally - someone needs to see what's going on down there) . Gave myself the trigger shot last night at 10 - it's possible that I had to set my alarm to wake back up - and have IUI#5 part one tomorrow morning, part two Saturday. I'm not going to work out Saturday or Sunday, which is a HUGE sacrifice for me (you're welcome, future baby), and plan on just laying around with my feet up. #roughlife

All systems "go"

Sunday's ultrasound looked good - lining was an 8 (thicker than last month, so I guess the injectables were a good investment after all), and had 5 follicles. More bloodwork Tuesday and another ultrasound, in which the two follies that were 13 on Sunday had grown to 17. Great news, but that will probably move things up a day or so. No sign of ovulating on the OPKs, so I'll most likely trigger tonight and do IUIs Friday and Saturday. I had MORE bloodwork this morning and have ANOTHER ultrasound this afternoon. This shit is seriously like a full-time job. Jesus.
But everything looks pretty good, and assuming Leroy is the same as last month, maybe two follies will release and at least one will result in a baby. If not, going to take some time off to save up for an IVF attempt. Because I don't need to get my foundation fixed, right? RIGHT??

Doctor? Doctor.

So I've been giving myself the injections every night, and man I'm good at this. Maybe I could become a nurse once this is all said and done. The craziest thing is that I have to discard the needles into a red biohazard bin just sitting in my laundry room. Thank GOODNESS no guys are coming over - can you imagine? Had more bloodwork done this morning, and will schedule the next ultrasound for Sunday or Monday. Leroy is scheduled to arrive today, so now we just hope my lining looks nice and thick and I have several decent follicles. I keep injecting on the right, in the hopes that that side will get all the good ones (since the left side is most likely blocked), and I'm finally wearing the fertility ring my mom gave me (clearly sleeping with it under my pillow wasn't working). So that should really mean positive results, amiright??

Shots. But not the tequila kind.

Went to the dr today, and we're going to do another round of back-to-back IUIs, this time with injectables. Initially my prescription was for Follistim, but at the last minute it was on back order so I was going to get Gonal-F instead. Thank goodness some Follistim came in, because although it's ridiculously expensive ($900), Gonal-F is a gut-wrenching $2000! I start the shots tonight, have more bloodwork Friday (had some blood drawn today as a baseline), and then see the dr for another ultrasound Sunday or Monday. I see my doctor so often, especially on weekends, I think we might be dating. (Besides the fact that he thought I was only 32 today. Bless him.) Ordered the same sperm (go Leroy!), since he was such a superstar last month, and it will be delivered Friday to the dr's office. So basically I have spent an ungodly amount of money today, and really hope it takes this time.


The semi-good news: according to my doctor, IVF is more affordable than I thought - $6-$8K per round, as opposed to the $30K that I was thinking. Now, I still don't HAVE $6K, but could get it faster than I could get $30K. Which would be never.

#fail

Yep, fourth try was a bust. Which sucks because A. I felt like it was my best cycle yet, and B. the back-to-back IUIs wiped out my bank account. Thanks to my sweet mom, I can try one more time (and will ask to do another back-to-back because I feel it ups my chances), but that's going to be it for me. I just can't keep doing this - it's too draining, financially and mentally. I have a dr's appt tomorrow to start round 5, and will ask about the cost of IVF. I've heard everywhere from $15K-$30K. If it's $15K, I might be able to save up and try it next year. If it's closer to $30K, I'm out. Sadness. I have been trying to come up with silver linings here, and the list is short:

• Won't have to stress out about getting Zika this summer, so my 18 bottles of Off which are positioned strategically at every door can be put away
• Can be super selfish - not like I have to save for daycare or college or dance classes - and will go on cool trips to Hawaii and on the elusive 80s cruise (most likely by myself, but whatever), plus fix up my house because I won't have to move due to crappy schools
• Be an awesome aunt to my soon-to-be nephew. It won't be easy, but I'll do it. Because that's just what you do.
• That's all I can come up with right now. Because it's hard to find the positives. But I'll keep trying.

Crossroads

I don't think this last IUI worked, and I'm not sure what to do next. Regardless, I need to take a month or two off because I'll be traveling during the start of the next two cycles, PLUS this double whammy session broke the bank so I need time to recuperate some finances. But I'm wondering if I even bother doing IUI again, or if I just start saving my pennies and try IVF next year. (And yes, it will take me that long. It's THAT expensive.)


I guess I'll just wait and talk to the doctor to see what he advises. What's a few thousand more dollars, amiright?

Leroy

Just finished my 4th IUI - this time we did back-to-back inseminations, so I've seen my poor doctor Saturday, Sunday, yesterday and today. I'm sure he is praying for me to get pregnant as much as I am. My lining wasn't great this month, and I'm not sure why, but holy follicle production! I had two on the left and 3-4 on the right. Once again, the dr gave me a stern "multiples" lecture. I do not want four babies, trust me. Used a different donor this time, "Leroy," and his counts were "superb" according to the doctor. Alright, Leroy. You've got like five eggs to choose from in there. Go to town.

Fat and (un)happy

Well, on to round four...going to ask about injectables versus the med I've been taking. And also about the 8 pounds I've gained since this process began. I'm fine gaining weight if there's a baby in there, but if not, mama is NOT amused. Especially with summer coming...ugh.

Slow and steady wins the race?

Went in for my IUI on Saturday - an intimate affair with just the doctor and I. It went smoothly, although after checking out the donor sperm under the microscope, the doc wasn't thrilled with the motility. Which is weird/annoying because it's the same donor I used last month! Numbers were good, though, so basically I've got a lot of slowpokes. Here's hoping one of those bastards figures out where to go and what to do. Let the infamous two week wait begin!

Fertility treatments or drug addict - you be the judge

Well, I was right - I did have an LH surge (finally!), and my follicles grew overnight - 23mm on the left and 21mm on the right. I go in tomorrow for IUI #3, but asked my doctor if I needed to give myself the trigger shot. He said it couldn't hurt, it could only help, and since I want to do everything I can, I ordered it. He told me to give myself the shot as soon as I could, so I just went for it right there in the pharmacy parking lot. Nothing like sticking a needle in your body in broad daylight to really make a person feel like some sort of addict. Which I guess I am, when you think about it. Best not to.


FX!

Is my body trying to tell me something?

I went in for the second ultrasound on Wednesday, and had a big follicle (20mm) on the left and two decent sized ones on the right (16 and 15mm). Still hoping for the right side to dominate, we decided to wait a few more days before triggering (plus, the sperm isn't arriving until today anyway, so not much I could do before then!). I have another appointment today to see how they look, but yesterday my right side ached all day, and I am 95% sure I finally got a positive on the opk (ovulation test stick)! So I'm hoping today can actually be IUI #3, instead of just another check-up, because I feel like my right side is ovulating and it never does that. Fingers crossed for some sort of miracle. (and that the sperm actually arrives, because if not I'm SOL)

So you're saying there's a chance

I guess I shouldn't be concerned about trying for a third time if my doctor isn't. And he isn't. I'm taking double the Femara (Letrozole) - 5mg - and go back next week to see how the follicles are doing. He said he won't proceed with more than three, but I'm going to try to convince him (unless there are like 6 - that's craziness). I joked about changing donors to my doctor: "I feel kind of slutty - a different guy every month!" He and the nurse burst out laughing and he excused himself to go write that down. So I may not get a baby, but I might make the book.

Third time's a charm?

Another BFN over the weekend, so today it's back to the doctor for round 3 of IUI. I think I'm going to talk to him about a laparoscopy if this time doesn't work, just so we know what we're dealing with in there. Not thrilled about having unnecessary surgery, but it might save me money in the long run if the left side is blocked as I fear. I did check the sperm bank and thankfully (as of now) there are plenty of samples left from the donor I used last time, and according to my doctor his swimmers were great. So why fix it if it ain't broke. (Hopefully I'm not broke either...)

You DO have symptoms...of a crazy person

I am almost through the two week wait and can take an HPT on Saturday (although I know it will be negative). When reading the blogs (I try not to, but what else do I have to do??), people are obsessed with symptom spotting and "does THIS mean I'm pregnant?" Interestingly, I have had completely different symptoms than I did last time. Last month, I was really crampy the whole time, which people said was a good thing (until it wasn't). This month, very little cramping, but I have felt hot, woken up sweating several nights in a row, been a little nauseous and dizzy. Which probably means I'm coming down with something. Awesome.

Swim, fellas, swim

IUI went fine - he was thrilled by the sample I bought (which means I'm the problem in this equation). My cervix is at a weird angle, so it took a while to get everything in, but in it went, and now I have to wait until April 2. Kind of glad it's not April Fool's Day, because that would just be a cruel joke.

Round two

Go in for IUI #2 today. Embarrassingly, the sperm arrived Saturday with a giant "SEATTLE SPERM BANK" label on it. Sorry, UPS guy. It was awkward for both of us, trust me.
Gave myself the trigger shot at 11pm Saturday night, so now just hoping the left side backs off and lets the right side have a turn. Not feeling particularly hopeful this time, but I guess we shall see.


Fingers crossed...

Broken down

Went back to the dr yesterday, and once again my left ovary is producing better than my right. Which sucks because my left fallopian tube is possibly blocked, although my dr thinks everything is fine. So I'm not feeling confident about this round of IUI at all, but going to try again because what the hell else do I have to do. The "delivery" is scheduled to arrive tomorrow and thinking the IUI will happen on Monday...sigh.

It takes two to make a thing go right

The doctor wasn't concerned that it didn't work on the first try, but put me on Femara instead of Clomid this time. The ultrasound showed lots of things happening in the right ovary, which is the "good" side, so maybe the second time will be the charm? Have to find a new "dude," though - the guy I used last time is sold out (how does this keep happening?? It's like the semen shortage equals the actual live single guy shortage), so I have to find someone new. I'm actually going to try an entirely new sperm bank this time - maybe my luck will be better with a brand new batch - and found several guys I'm happy with. You know, just like a night out at a bar. Ha.

Round 2

Headed back to the doctor today to hopefully start this process again. Thank goodness I get my yearly bonus next week - this stuff is PRICEY. (And yes, I realize a baby is crazy expensive as well.) Here's hoping the second time's the charm...

BFN

Well, didn't work this time. Took a test yesterday and today, both negative, and started my period this morning. So that's a Big Fat Negative. I'm not surprised, although I'm getting nervous about the fact that financially I can only do this five times - what if it doesn't work at all? Then I'll be dateless AND kidless. Guess I'll travel and adopt a bunch of dogs. Sigh.

The longest day(s)

Man this waiting sucks. I feel like I'm probably not pregnant - shouldn't I be "feeling" something? - but then again, it's only been 5 days. Haha. I did have cramps Wed-Thurs, and then excruciating pain Friday night, which was scary/encouraging, but then I had major breakouts on my face on Sat-Sun so I assume that's PMS. But in all honesty, who the F knows. My body was pumped with so many hormones/meds over the past two weeks, it's probably confused as all get out. As am I. Have to pick up a prescription at the drug store tomorrow, so I think I'm going to buy my Very First Pregnancy Test and hide it away until Sunday. (yeah right)

The eagle has landed.

Just got back from the insemination. I may or may not have given my uterus a pep talk on the drive over: "You have ONE job. Just do me this tiny favor and I promise to take good care of you (and all other organs) in the future. Goooo team." And of course I watched this scene last night before bed:
https://youtu.be/65BV5dXXxzM

Now to watch this: https://youtu.be/Bq62yJLrQn4

If I don't start my period by March 7, I am supposed to call the doctor, but can't take a pregnancy test until March 6. And the infamous Two Week Wait begins.

Baby steps...(literally)

Everything looked good yesterday - my lining is once again "textbook" - and I've got four nice-sized follicles in there ready to go. Of course, that meant I had to get the "what would you do if you have four babies" speech, but it seems very unlikely that that would happen. Four just gives me better odds of having one. So I left my "special delivery" at the doctor's office, gave myself the trigger shot last night, and tomorrow is the big insemination day! Although I have given myself shots before (when I donated my eggs back in 2000), as the minutes ticked by last night I started getting nervous. But it didn't hurt or even bleed at all, so I would consider that a success. Still thinking this probably won't work the first time, but trying to think positively...AAAAACK

Special delivery

Yep, the sperm arrived at my doorstep on Saturday. In a giant 22-pound box labeled "Perishable." Ha. I kind of freaked out on Friday about how to care for this stuff, so I called the cryobank and was reassured that I didn't need to put it in the freezer. It actually reminded me of the Gremlins (and I told him so):
1. Keep it room temperature
2. Keep it upright
3. Keep it away from direct sunlight

So there it sat all weekend - and today it got to ride in my car since I have a doctor's appt this afternoon. I did take a picture with it - hell, this could be my first family photo:

Let's DO this

Went to the dr yesterday and have a 15mm and a 16mm follicle on the left, and 2 12's (and a 9) on the right. My lining is a little thin, so now I'm on estrogen to fatten things up. I got the go ahead to ship the "stuff" (why can't I say sperm without giggling??), and it will arrive at my doorstep by noon tomorrow. I'm testing my pee with ovulation sticks every day, and I'm to call the dr if I get a positive. If not, I have an appt on Monday and if the 12's have gotten bigger we're going to move forward. (We better move forward - I spent $1200 on this package and I'm using it, dammit!)

More to come...

Turning a negative into a positive

Went to the dr last week and he put me on Clomid prior to my next appointment next week. He also mentioned that I was CMV negative, and therefore should find a donor who was also negative. I had never even heard of CMV and was shocked that half of the population has it! Including my first choice donor, but luckily (or not), his samples were completely sold out. (Who all is buying this stuff up? #hoarders) So it was back to the drawing board, and I found a CMV negative donor who I am super excited about. Went ahead and bought it to avoid another sell-out, and now just waiting to get the go-ahead to ship! (Um, who knew it cost almost $300 to ship? Jesus. I could have flown to California to pick it up myself for that price!)

Be Supportive. B-E Supportive. B-E-S-U-P-P-O-R-T-I-V-E

Hey - that totally fits into the Be Aggressive cheer! Just saying.

I talked to my friend's friend last night - she is 36 and did IUI and has an adorable 6-month-old named Jonah. She was so kind and honest, but said she has never regretted her decision and is so in love with the baby (obviously). She did donor sperm as well, and got pregnant on the 4th try. She mentioned looking into a local SMBC group for added support, but is making it work. So impressed and inspired, and looking forward to try #1...

You is smart, you is important...

The more I let people know my plans, the more stories I hear about friends of friends who have gone through this. And although some have very positive stories to tell, others are not so positive. A co-worker told me yesterday that she has one friend who had a baby on her own and he is now 5. Although she loves her son, she totally regrets doing it on her own. And the co-worker had ANOTHER friend who has a two month old and can't stop crying. (To me, that sounds more like post partum depression than regretting being a SMBC - single mom by choice! - but what do I know.)

I'm going to call one woman who did it on her own to get her story, and I'm hoping it won't make me want to drink (too) heavily or cower under the covers for a week. I mean, I know this is going to be the toughest thing I've ever done or ever will do, but come on. I can do this.  #right??

Outbreak

So this Zika thing has got me panicked. Of course the one year I decide to try to have a baby, there's a worldwide epidemic (or is it a pandemic yet??). And already one case in Texas (where I live). I am going to buy a ton of mosquito repellent and wear long sleeves (until it's 100 degrees and I can't stank it), but last summer I got bit through my clothes. So not sure what I'm supposed to do about that. AACK

BFN

BFN stands for Big Fat Negative. At least, according to the fertility blogs I've been perusing. It's like a whole other language:
BFP: Big Fat Positive
RE: Reproductive Endocrinologist (why they don't just say DR is beyond me)
TTC: Trying To Conceive
And many, many more. (who knew??)

I guess it's a BFN for me this month, although can you get a negative if you don't even try? I went in for another sonogram yesterday, and although my lining looks "perfect" (!), the left side had a giant follicle and the right side had three little ones. My doctor said although I could overnight the sperm and he would try over the weekend, he thought it would probably be a waste of money and we'll try on Clomid next month. Kind of bummed, but I so appreciate his honesty and not just taking my money to take my money.

So let's see how February goes. At least all the blood work/dye testing/counseling sessions/puking in my car thanks to the beast meds called Doryx is over. It's been a wild week, that's for sure.

Crazy is as crazy does

Had the mental health screening with the counselor yesterday, and it was rough. She was clearly playing devil's advocate, trying to get me to crack, but emphasized the importance of a male role model for children of single mothers, using this weird example to bring the point home:

"They interviewed pimps (!) and asked how they selected the women to be their prostitutes. The pimps picked women without fathers." Ummm so you're saying that my kid is going to be a hooker because I'm raising him/her alone? Great, thanks for that.

She asked me what my parenting style was. She asked me when I would tell the child about their father/the IUI process. She asked many probing questions (I may have cried a little). But in the end I think I passed. In fact, I even gave her something she may use with future patients (or hell - paint on the wall) when I told her my life philosophy is I'd rather be pleasantly surprised than constantly disappointed. She literally paused and asked if she could write that down. Ha. #schooled

I AM right-handed...

Damn that HSG test was painful. And the thing that scares me the most: it was probably a preview into what childbirth feels like (times 1000) - not sure I'll be able to handle it. I guess that's what the drugs are for...but I'm still spotting and they make you wear a pad, which makes me feel like I'm 13 before I mastered the tampon. Sigh. Plus, the results weren't exactly what I had hoped for: the right tube is fine, but nothing flowed through the left. The doctor wasn't concerned, though - even said he thought it probably wasn't blocked - but still. If I'm doing all of this, I want it to be successful...trying to remain hopeful. After all, if the doctor says it's okay, it's okay, right??

He's making me go see a therapist tomorrow so they can make sure "I'm not crazy and won't kill the baby." (This is a direct quote, btw.) Assuming I pass the crazy test, just hoping my sonogram looks good on Thursday and I'll order the swimmers on Friday for a Monday or Tuesday deposit. Ah, pillow talk. Ha.

I did pick a guy, though - and even my mom approved. He's tall, smart, athletic and has cute baby pictures - what more does a girl need. (Aside from an ACTUAL guy, of course.)

Let's do this, right fallopian tube! #rightisright

Flush

Going in this morning for the HSG test, aka the fallopian tube dye test. This will ensure that my tubes are open for business and ready for a baby. Apparently it makes you fertile, and since I have one more sonogram on Thursday to assess follicles in the hopes of an insemination early next week, fertility is our friend. The doctor told me in 2014 he had a 100% success rate of getting his patients pregnant, so even though this could take a few tries, I am feeling very confident in his abilities.
Wish my tubes luck!

February is for Fertility

So I may be moving up C-Day (conception day) by a month, if all goes well. Which means as soon as I start my period this month, I schedule an appointment with the doctor for bloodwork and a sonogram, and a few mere weeks later, assuming everything looks good (please please please), we give it a go. I have never looked so forward to getting my period as I am this month. Ready to get things started. At loooooong last.

Talked to four friends about my plan over the weekend, and was absolutely blown away by how supportive everyone was. One even said she'd come with me to C-Day. We joked that leading up, we needed to watch things like Baby Mama and the opening sequence of Look Who's Talking, to visualize success and get in the right mental state. Then afterward, watch the episode of Friends where Phoebe gets inseminated and sings to her uterus "Are you in there little fetus? In nine months will you come greet us? I will buy you some Adidas..." And eat pickles and ice cream. So even if it doesn't work, we'll have a fun memory of the First Try.

I am a terrible person

After almost 15 years of friends getting married and having babies, I am ashamed to say it's hard for me to be excited for people anymore. And it's 100% because I'm jealous. "Oh, you're pregnant with baby #3? Good for you." "You're renewing your vows for your 10-year anniversary? How lovely." (Cue eye roll.) I hate this about myself, but it's hard when everyone is attaining the dreams you had for yourself every day, on Facebook. and you wonder if your own dreams will ever actually come true. My lowest point came on Christmas, when my brother announced that he and his wife are expecting. They have been trying for two years, and it's a really big deal - and I burst into tears. And they weren't tears of joy. After standing in the snow for an hour, I finally pulled myself together enough to apologize and realized I am really excited about being an aunt for the first time. Man I'm going to spoil that kid. But deep in the pit of my stomach, the jealousy was still there, lurking. I liken it to the scene on Friends where Rachel and Phoebe are talking about Monica and Chandler getting married. They quickly go from being 98% happy and 2% jealous to 90-10. #beenthere

More carting before horsing

My next big stress - aside from actually getting pregnant - is having to get a new car. I don't think an infant car seat will fit in the back of my Mustang - and even if it does, what an effing nightmare, amiright?? But again, being a tad premature here. Maybe I can reevaluate over the summer or something. This kid doesn't even exist and is already breaking the bank. #soundsaboutright

Spoke too soon

Well, I know I said yesterday that everyone is cute in their baby pictures, but I paid to see one of my finalists' pictures, and he was NOT cute. And that's how you narrow it done, guys. Superficial but necessary. One down, nine to go.

Mapping out the adventure.

For over 10 years, I've been saying that 38 was my "cut-off" age, when I would clearly not be getting married and would just have a baby on my own. Well, I might be psychic, because I'm 38, and clearly not getting married. So it's time to try for a baby. Obviously this is not the ideal situation - who wants to raise a baby alone - but it's something I've always wanted, and time is slipping away. Plus, even though I'll be a single mom, I won't be alone. My family and friends are very supportive, and this kid will have so much love around, it won't even notice the missing parent. (Until Father's Day rolls around.)

Now, I'm definitely putting the cart before the horse here, because I have not yet gone through the process and there's only a slim chance it will work, but I wanted to start blogging about my experiences just in case. I am hoping to do IUI in early March, and who knows how many attempts I'll need before it works. But my doctor made me feel very positive and optimistic about the entire process, and even made me feel a little "normal," saying I was the 40th or 50th single woman he had helped last year alone. And they're all lawyers and doctors and brokers (oh my!). #yougogirls

I did have the first of what will be numerous uncomfortable conversations when making the doctor's appointment, though - the nurse asked if my husband would be joining me for the visit. Ummmm, no. No he won't. And speaking of dads, I still haven't picked a donor - it's a very weird process and more difficult than one would think. Also, it could not be less romantic. I pick the height, eye color, hair color, race, even education level, and for a few extra dollars can see baby pictures. Which in and of itself is tough - everyone is a cute baby. What we need is what they look like NOW. But that's not an option. You do get access to medical history, age (most are sadly in their early 20s), genetic testing, GPA and, most importantly, what celebrity the guys look most like. #teambradleycooper

I've narrowed it down to my top 10, but having trouble choosing after that point. But who cares, really. It would be fine with any of these dudes, all of whom have already had a successful pregnancy (so we know their boys can swim) and are open to being contacted by the child in the future, just in case. Just trying to figure out what hair/eye combo goes best with mine, but let's be honest - I'm totally having a redheaded kid. Better get on board.

Taking prenatal vitamins and have two doctor's visits before the Big One, and just trying not to get my hopes up too high. But I'm thrilled to at least be taking charge of my life and my future, and being proactive. Better than going on one more Tinder date with a d-bag and hoping he calls. #dunzo